Stop Trying so Hard to be Happy: A Guide to Actually Being Happy
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve noticed that there is a growing infatuation with “happy”. When conversing with friends and family, one of the questions I frequently hear is “are you happy?” or even “how happy are you from a scale of 1 to 10?”. Admittedly, every time I hear that word “happy” I get a little bit sick in my stomach. It’s like taking a bite out of cake that is just way too sweet. Of course we all want to be happy. The problem is, largely thanks to social media, many people are given a false representation of what happiness actually looks like. We see others attending the latest social gatherings, going on expensive vacations, buying new homes, and think to ourselves “man, why can’t I be like that?”. People start comparing lives, belittling their own life situations, and feeling like they could only be so much happier if they just had more.
What it Means to be Happy
Over the years I’ve heard a number of different definitions of what “happy” means to different people. One of them is that “progress” would be a one word definition of what it means to be happy. Others say that you shouldn’t strive to be happy, but should instead strive to reduce the limitations and obstacles that impose your happiness. And other one word substitutes for the word “happy” would be “peace” or “health” according to some. For me personally, I’ve found those all to be true. To me happiness should be synonymous with living. And to expand on what I mean by that, I would describe it by saying that it’s “the whole enchilada”. A lot of people take shortcuts to their own happiness. They think that if they could just take this new vitamin, or start this new workout regimen, or start with this new therapist then they will be happy. Whereas, in the words of Jocko Willink, self-improvement/happiness is actually “a whole campaign”.
Lemons to Lemonade
In one of my favorite books “How to Stop Worrying and Start Living” by Dale Carnegie, there is one particular passage that illustrates this beautifully. To sum it up, there was a woman staying on a military base with her husband out in the Mojave desert, and upon initially arriving the conditions were pretty much miserable. It was extremely hot, sandy, and windy, and all they had to keep shelter was just a small shack. However, with the power of acceptance, she was able to transform this miserable situation into a magical experience. She collected seashells, studied the area’s natural ecosystem, and watched for desert sunsets. She interacted with locals and showed interest in their weaving and pottery. She changed her attitude, and turned her experience into an exciting adventure rather than something wretched and dreadful.
Another personal hero of mine that illustrates this would be my one of my favorite rappers right now, Max Biggavelli (Max B). Max B was sentenced to 75 years in prison back in the late 2000s. However, by remaining faithful and consistent, he was able to get his sentence reduced to 15 years and will be coming home next year in 2025. What makes Max B so incredible is his personal transformation and growth behind the walls. When Max announced his LP “Negro Spirituals” in 2021, I thought for sure that it was going to be a dark, depressing, bitter, and resentful project. I was very surprised to hear pretty much the opposite. It is actually incredibly soulful, joyful, uplifting, and optimistic. What other rapper in the history of the genre has put out a full LP as well as 2 EPs, a collaborative project, and a compilation album all while behind the bars? And we’re not talking over the phone. These are fully mixed songs with original instrumentals and recorded vocals. Along with dropping these projects Max has taken his health and fitness to a new level by doing calisthenics, getting up early, and cutting unhealthy foods out of his diet.
Meaning and Purpose
When you approach your situation in life with this kind of attitude, you get something much better than the shallow, superficial, and fleeting happiness that most people strive for. You get a life of meaning and purpose. You put yourself in a position where you wake up excited each day to make new gains, have new experiences, and grow as an individual. Things that most people stress and worry about become relatively unimportant. Rather than living for social media, or living to impress other people, you start living for you. You become presently in tune with your situation at the time, and find ways to make it work for you rather than against you.
Time is Money
It was a lesson from my Grandfather a few years back that helped me to gain this perspective. “Time is money” he would tell me. Of course, he wasn’t referring to anything actually monetary. What he meant is to make the most of each moment. For years I had been the type of college student that would show up to class late and be the first to leave. In group situations I would have the least to contribute, and I would very rarely participate in class. There came a point where I realized that it was time to change all of that. I started actually taking my coursework seriously, studying, showing up on time, and participating whenever it felt appropriate. And as a result, it increased my overall happiness and well-being. “Happiness is small improvements in your life”. “It’s being able to lay your head on the pillow at the end of the day and say ‘man, I did that'” he would tell me. Honestly, I could probably write a whole book on this subject. But you get the point. Don’t strive to be “happy”. Strive to live a meaningful life.
