Living in the Present: A Guide to Dissolving Your Ego
What if I told you that it were possible to eliminate those feelings of inferiority, intimidation, and inadequacy that plague your life? What if I told you that inner peace, self-acceptance, and personal well-being are available to you right Now.
Chronic Insomnia
Back in late 2019/early 2020 I found myself dealing with a case of chronic insomnia. Having just moved to Orlando to attend the University of Central Florida, the second largest University in the country at the time, I had a lot going on, and at night especially, I just couldn’t seem to slow down. Classes, tests, homework, group projects, and this was all on top of getting integrated and acquainted with a completely new environment.
Being the new guy on campus, I felt a lot of enthusiasm to hit the ground running in a big way. I was hitting the gym harder than ever before. I was attending every on-campus event I could. And I was talking to every girl, guy, professor, and person I could, trying to meet new people and integrate myself into the environment. Even though I was enjoying myself, and having fun with the adventure of it all, there was a lot of aggression underlying my actions. Even just walking around on campus, I would throw my shoulders back and power walk like I was ready to run the Boston Marathon. And the result was that through most of that first semester, I was so wound up that I would lay in bed at night completely unable to fall asleep. I probably averaged less than 5 hours a night for most of that first semester.
As an attempt to calm myself down and center before class sessions, events, and other activities, I would very frequently set a timer on my phone and do a 20 minute meditation. It helped a little, but in all honesty, most of the time I would either just fall half asleep, or sit there and ruminate about random sh*t for 20 minutes until the timer would go off. And as you can tell by the paragraph above, it wasn’t doing much as far as my sleep was concerned.
Moving Meditation
Fast forward to the start of 2020, and with it being a new year, and the start of a new semester, I came back on campus ready to start in a new direction. The first decision I made was that I was going to dial it back and get more organized with my day-to-day festivities. I told myself that as long as I do “one good thing” each day, then that would be sufficient. Whether that be attending a lecture, or visiting a new part of campus, or even just getting a workout in, that would be a job well done for the day. I started to slow down, take more time to rest, and focus on just taking things one step at a time rather than trying to tackle everything at once. But, on top of that, I started to implement a personal practice that I would call “moving meditation” at the time. Basically, instead of just sitting down and meditating for 20 minutes here and there, I would try to maintain that state of meditation while doing things such as walking to class, folding laundry, cooking breakfast, and even while sitting and listening to a lecture. I started focusing more on my breath, giving things more attention, and detracting energy away from my thinking so that I could be more aligned and centered with the present. And the result that I found is that I was actually more productive, more energized, and more happy than I was even when I was running around trying to do more. The “one good thing” that I would set out to do each day would very frequently turn into more like 3 or 4 good things. And yes, my sleep did improve. Nights of insomnia would still come around here and there, but my nights of sleeping 7-9 hours greatly increased from the semester before.
Presence
When the covid pandemic came around in mid 2020, it was a time where I decided to do some soul searching and also move a little bit more deeply into this state of “moving meditation”. I read spiritual books. I spent a lot of time walking and Being in nature. I would sit and journal a lot. When the Summer semester ended in July of 2020, and I moved back home with my family, I was so excited to get away from the craziness of it all and reunite with the people I love. It was around this time that I first picked up “The Power of Now” off of my mother’s bookshelf while I was hanging at the crib during covid. In reading that book, I was pleasantly surprised to learn that my practice of “moving meditation” is actually a very profound and renowned spiritual practice that Tolle calls “presence”. If you haven’t read “The Power of Now” I would highly recommend it, as it talks about how living in the present is a way to get more in tune with your deepest self, and align with the flow of Life.
Those months toward the end of 2020 were honestly some of the brightest and most peaceful times of my life. I can still remember taking walks on the beach late that summer, feeling the breeze brush against my skin, hearing the waves crash, and observing the countless ripples across the surface of the ocean. Life had become full and alive. It was the start of a new chapter, and as a freshly graduated adult, I felt ready to take on the world and do great things.
When you find yourself ruminating, worrying, or feeling like you “aren’t enough”, take some of that attention and place it back into the present. Feel the in-flow of air pressing against you as you breathe. Press your hand against your thigh, or your lower stomach and feel the subtle warmth of your body. Look outside and observe the bright beauty of not just nature, but the entire world around you. As you start to do this, you may start to realize just how silly, counter-productive, and self-sabotaging those negative emotions really are. Instead of thinking about who you are, you start actually being who you are.
